I live a good life... I know I'm lucky and have more than a person could ask for. The past year has been unbelievable- in a good way. I'm finally living on my own, living in a city and going to school I've always wanted to go to, studying what I want and meeting some of the most amazing people ever. It has been quite the growing experience and I feel like I've become the most comfortable "in my own skin" as I have ever felt... It's great.
The past few weeks have been hard though. Life changed alot when I moved back home. I was happy to be back but there was the disconnected feelings of being away from my Toronto life. Kind of like withdrawal. Readjusting to my 'old' life at home wasn't too difficult, but the time gap from when I was home the year before definitely had a significant impact on me and 'how things were'. Seeing friends was nice and fun as usual, but there were changes and things that I have missed out on that inevitably made us more distant than before. Like many people, change is hard for me to accept... and realizing that time is taking a toll on my relationships at home made me sad. That's life tho right? People grow up and may grow apart. Old relationships are lost and new ones are made... I need to just deal.
My bf and I broke up a few days ago.. He was probably the first guy that I have felt closest to and most open about myself with. I'm hurting more than I thought I would. I can't believe it's over and now the dreaded 'change' is going to occur.. I know this is better for both of us, but I can't help but feel like a part of my heart just got ripped out. I've lost someone extremely close to me and there is nothing I can do about it except move on. It's so much easier said than done. TIME.. time is the key... but time sucks and goes by so slow when you want it to move fast... and when you wish it would go slower, it zooms by before you can catch your breath. That's how I feel about my last year of school and my bf.. well ex-bf now. I didn't get a chance to catch my breath and before I knew it, it was over.
I want the summer to be over so that I can go back to Toronto and relive all the 'highs' that I felt last year. I love being at home with my family, but I feel like I'm in limbo.. I'm starting to make amazing friends at school, but they're not as close to me as Ottawa friends yet.. But now coming home, I realize I'm not as close to Ottawa friends as I once was.. We're living different lives that don't intertwine the way it used to and we've grown apart. I don't know where I belong and I guess this just adds to my sadness. With my bf, atleast I felt like I belonged SOMEWHERE (felt close to someone) no matter where I was and who I was around. This is why I feel such a great hole in myself right now.
And now what? I'm trying to keep busy and make the most of the summer but I don't feel like I something to look forward to. No big trips, no one to see.. nothing. I went from having this awesome year to feeling so down in the dumps I want to sleep right through it. Morbid sounding eh?.. I guess.. The best way out is to go through it.