Let Go

Choices. These are an essential part of life. Every day we make choices- some that have no significant impact on our life and others that do. "Live and Learn", "The past is the past and you can't change it", "Let Go".. These seem to be recurring thoughts in my head for a few months now. My last blog was during the summer soon after my first big breakup. Although it was kind of mutual in a sense, I didn't realize the extent that it would affect me. For awhile afterwards I couldn't stop re-thinking about the whole relationship and wondering 'what if I had done this.. would things be different' or 'why did I do this or get mad at that'... I knew that we couldn't/shouldn't be together but I couldn't help thinking about these things. I wouldn't say I had regrets but I was having a hard time just accepting certain actions I chose for myself. A lot of it wasn't anything important to dwell on, but that's just how I am. I might have made it harder on myself but I don't know.. maybe it was something I had to go through...
The rest of the summer passed and now I'm back at school. I should be focused on the future and getting what I need to get done.. but I seem to be bogged down with the summer. I made certain choices in how to deal with the breakup and how I wanted to deal with the changes in my group of friends but when I look back on it, I get stuck. "If only I continued talking to him after we broke up, maybe I would have felt better then and better now..." or "If only I made more of an effort to contact _____ things would have been different...".. Maybe this would change how I feel now. I've been "off" for some time and I'm trying to figure out why I continue to feel the way I do.
People make decisions and whatever they may be, they have to live with the outcomes/consequences, whether they be good or bad. My ex and I are friends. Good friends again and it makes me happy. I've been keeping in better touch with friends back home and that's all good too... Despite this, I can't seem to "Leave the past behind me". I'm still haunted by "Why did this have to happen the way it did? Why didn't I do this instead of that?"..... I don't really know what I should do to let it all go. Those choices that I made, they are my own. I can't change them now and have to live with the outcomes and make the most of it. Sometimes you think you're making the right choice and everything will be fine afterwards but somewhere down the line you realize/think that maybe that wasn't the best choice. What do you then? Although that choice can't be changed, future choices are still yours to be made.

I live a good life... I know I'm lucky and have more than a person could ask for. The past year has been unbelievable- in a good way. I'm finally living on my own, living in a city and going to school I've always wanted to go to, studying what I want and meeting some of the most amazing people ever. It has been quite the growing experience and I feel like I've become the most comfortable "in my own skin" as I have ever felt... It's great.
The past few weeks have been hard though. Life changed alot when I moved back home. I was happy to be back but there was the disconnected feelings of being away from my Toronto life. Kind of like withdrawal. Readjusting to my 'old' life at home wasn't too difficult, but the time gap from when I was home the year before definitely had a significant impact on me and 'how things were'. Seeing friends was nice and fun as usual, but there were changes and things that I have missed out on that inevitably made us more distant than before. Like many people, change is hard for me to accept... and realizing that time is taking a toll on my relationships at home made me sad. That's life tho right? People grow up and may grow apart. Old relationships are lost and new ones are made... I need to just deal.
My bf and I broke up a few days ago.. He was probably the first guy that I have felt closest to and most open about myself with. I'm hurting more than I thought I would. I can't believe it's over and now the dreaded 'change' is going to occur.. I know this is better for both of us, but I can't help but feel like a part of my heart just got ripped out. I've lost someone extremely close to me and there is nothing I can do about it except move on. It's so much easier said than done. TIME.. time is the key... but time sucks and goes by so slow when you want it to move fast... and when you wish it would go slower, it zooms by before you can catch your breath. That's how I feel about my last year of school and my bf.. well ex-bf now. I didn't get a chance to catch my breath and before I knew it, it was over.
I want the summer to be over so that I can go back to Toronto and relive all the 'highs' that I felt last year. I love being at home with my family, but I feel like I'm in limbo.. I'm starting to make amazing friends at school, but they're not as close to me as Ottawa friends yet.. But now coming home, I realize I'm not as close to Ottawa friends as I once was.. We're living different lives that don't intertwine the way it used to and we've grown apart. I don't know where I belong and I guess this just adds to my sadness. With my bf, atleast I felt like I belonged SOMEWHERE (felt close to someone) no matter where I was and who I was around. This is why I feel such a great hole in myself right now.
And now what? I'm trying to keep busy and make the most of the summer but I don't feel like I something to look forward to. No big trips, no one to see.. nothing. I went from having this awesome year to feeling so down in the dumps I want to sleep right through it. Morbid sounding eh?.. I guess.. The best way out is to go through it.

OK. So I'm racing to write a decent post. I haven't really thought of anything to write about so this will be interesting cause it probably won't make much sense. I'll just talk about what seems to be what everyone around me has been talking about for the past while..relationships. Why are they so complicated? Life is like a toned-down soap opera.. which is fine because it keeps things interesting but sometimes too much drama is a major headache. Guys and girls are different in how they approach problems and sometimes the right combination of guy-style and girl-style works out. But other times it clashes hard core and then you get heated arguments that don't always turn out well. So why the drama? Why can't people talk out problems and about what's on their minds instead of blowing up sometime in the future? We live in a society where problem solving is important in school, work, with family and friends.. and all types of relationships... yet many people suck at being able to rationally compromise with one another.
Since I'm talking about relationships I just thought I'd throw out the following question since it relates to guys:
What's up with yellow fever!?
I don't understand why some guys ONLY like asian girls. It kinda creeps me out. I know some say it's because asian girls are "exotic" but what about every other race that isn't white? They look exotic too.. I remember this one guy from Ottawa who dated only asian girls. It didn't matter if she couldn't speak English or didn't have anything in common with him or was a crazy prude. He would date any walking girl that had black hair, was short and (according to him) "exotic eyes". Is it because they're expected to be "traditional" and take care of the guy? Or because they're short and it makes the guy feel more manly and strong? That's lame.

Alright.. not exactly my best post but I tried. ;)

I don't think I have many pet-peeves... But one thing that bothers me are rude and inconsiderate people... When there's a pregant lady or an elderly individual standing on the bus (looking like they'll topple over at any bump), would it hurt to stand up and offer them your seat? Or if you're walking down the street and practically body check someone off the sidewalk, is it so hard to turn your head and say sorry? Maybe I take rudeness to heart because I actually try to be polite... but seriously it's not a difficult task. When I hold the door open for people to go out before me, it's nice to hear a "Thank you" and it'll make me more inclined to open the door for other people in the future.. but if no one stops to notice and just walk out, I'll be more inclined to be like 'Screw this I'm going first'. Alot of people already think this way, I know.. but maybe that's why they're so cynical all the time.
I think every person should at some point in their life work in customer service... Whether it be working in retail, at a restaurant or answering phones.. Then maybe the impatient, snarky people can see how frustrating it is to deal with them and may decide to change the way they behave. Like.. When you're starting out on cash, it can be hard getting used to all the different buttons etc.. so things don't always go so smoothly right off the bat. If the customer has ever worked as a cashier, they would understand the stress you feel and would be more likely to be patient and understanding.. Thereby creating less stress for the cashier, who can then have a chance to process things correctly.
When I was working at Sunnybrook last year, I had to call patients and ask them questions about their health after having surgery.. The days where I talked to nice people, I came home feeling good but the days I had to talk to bitter, old people I came home feeling bitter too. Now I see why telemarketing sucks hard core... So when they call.. don't snap and hang up cause I'm sure they know how much their job blows.. Either interrupt nicely and say No Thanks or let them finish and then say No Thanks. They'll appreciate that more than for you to blow up at them about calling during suppertime..
So yes.. if people were a little kinder, a little more understanding and a little less rude... the world could be a better place... Maybe not, but I'll be happier.


What goes around comes around...

I don't really have a reason for writing but I just feel like it right now.. Not much is going on besides school stuff... The life of a student...There isn't too much work but enough now to get my ass in gear and do some of it. My more science-ish classes are probably my favourite ones and my communication-pharmacy classes are NOT so exciting. :S I generally zone out while my roomate sleeps with her head bobbing up and down. The mix of the classroom's dim lights and the prof's monotonous yet soothing voice and a warm beverage = a nice nap.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing something different.... I feel that living through the day to day motions of school, work, social things..it makes us so limited or confined... I can't think of the right word. My future seems pretty set: I study to get my Pharm degree and then go on to work and make decent money so that I can continue to live the comfortable life that I'm leading now. But "comfortable" is BORING. I have this huge urge to go hop on a plane and live in Spain, Greece or Italy for a few months or years and learn everything there is to know about their life style and culture... Become immersed in it. Someone I know works as a physiotherapist for a few months, saves money and then takes off to travel for a few months. She comes back and works for a few more months and goes again.. Sounds good eh? I wouldn't mind doing that.. But if I want to finish school, work and save enough money to travel like that I probably won't be able to 'settle down' until much later than I would like. I don't know...Do I even make sense anymore? My ideas flow in my head, but they don't always come out quite as smoothly.

Anyways...A few last words...

The Green Day song 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' makes me want to cry everytime..
Any amount of caffeine makes me really jittery and super duper wired.
Rude and inconsiderate people make me SO MAD...
Lastly.. Apparently I say the word 'cookie' weird. :P

It still feels like summer. I don't know why but I can't get back into the school-groove or whatever you want to call it. I'm a pretty focused person but I can't seem to concentrate on a single thing lately.. well atleast not school work. I've only had a week of school so maybe that's why my mind isn't with it. But I'm just starting Pharmacy so shouldn't I be super eager to go to classes and learn new things?.. Not quite the case. We've had readings assigned etc but I always end up talking on the phone or online for hours and watching movies..or doing things like this blog instead. Louis hates pharmacy and I really hope that won't be the same conclusion I come to in the future. I'll just have to wait and see..
So someone got shot on the subway today...This guy from my class was on the subway when it happened. I know Toronto isn't exactly the safest city but the fact that this shooting happened in such a public place in the middle of the day is so messed up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?? What are you doing walking around with a gun and although I know that I don't know these people's histories leading up to this but still... I will never get what goes through someone's head that leads them to kill another human being. I know shootings and crimes etc happen everyday all over the city and that I shouldn't be so shocked/surprised..but in my head I've always been 'detached' from them or something .. "Oh that happened in another city.. or country".. But now it's like "Oh that happened down the street from me". Wholly crappers.
Anyways, on a lighter note, I had my first peanut butter and banana sandwich today and it was FANTASTIC.

AND SO IT BEGINS...

My very own blogspot. Who knew that a computer and I would ever get along.. But so things change and I now have not only 5 email accounts, googleEarth, googletalk and facebook (which sucks in Canada because no one knows about it..) but a whole webpage to myself so that I can rant about things on my mind. I never thought I would start a blog because I find it way better talking to someone in person and getting feedback on my ideas but people are busy and I think of things mostly at bizarre hours of the day.. so I guess this works too.
What to talk about...? I guess moving to a new city is the biggest thing to happen since the summer... I love it- living on my own, meeting new people, being at a new school and city with so many things to do and see.. But I don't think I adapt to change very well... I get stuck with "How things were..." There seems to be a part of me that always resists change even though it is inevitable and usually for the better. Like going to university was hard because I was so used to the routine life of high school.. Seeing the same people everyday, eating lunch at the same place in the caf, same school work, same drama... so in university I clung to those I knew well and probably lost some potentially awesome friends because I was afraid that if I made new friends, I would lose old ones. Childish sounding I know, but actually that happened. And now in Toronto, I don't want my close friendships back home to change from what they were. But despite how much I call and email I know it won't make things the same as if I were back home.. and it makes me so upset! I guess it's because I value relationships with other people so much and when you finally get to a good point it's a biotch to have it change so fast...
But it's just one of those things in life that you can't control and it's bound to happen. I figure either learn and make the most of it.. or lose out because you're stuck in the past.